Ever have one of those days?

Today was mine. I woke up this morning with a bad headache and incipient nausea. I was afraid it was going to turn into a migraine; fortunately a can of diet dr. pepper (caffeine) and a hot shower took care of that. However, I continued to feel a little "off." Sorta -- I don't know; achy, virus-y. Sorta like my brain was buzzing? I don't know how to describe it.

And today? I was the queen of embarrassing moments. My timing, as always, is impeccable.

I've had this really strange experience with our local TV stations. When one of the anchors first started there -- probably a year and a half ago -- she was terrible. And she just got worse. As a private Chico citizen, I fired off an email to the producer, telling her exactly how I feel. Well, I'm nothing if not blunt. Sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble, because I speak before I think. And at the time? I wasn't the outreach administrator for my work. Meaning I'd need to be on the good side of local media to get the kind of exposure we need.

Okay, well fast forward to my new job last March, and my first "solo" fundrainer was the fall dinner we do every year. I tried and tried and tried to get something on the local TV stations -- from the community calendar online and on air, to getting them to do a feature on the event, as they have every other year, complete with cameras and live interviews on site. Not that I'm looking for my 15 minutes? But its part of my job to get publicity for the organization. I was puzzled about their lack of response, but I didn't think too much about it. Fast forward to now, and planning my second fundraiser, the spring wine tasting thing. For months now, I've been emailing and emailing and emailing, trying to get us some publicity. The noon news producer responded and invited me to do a blurb on the noon news; from the morning program? Nothing.

Now I'm starting to get suspicious. I'm thinking that I'm on their sh*t list and am forever banned because I criticized one of the on air personalities. Who is really terrible. I'm sure this person is a really nice individual, but this person is not very good at her job and hasn't improved much over the past year. And I've kept my mouth shut about it, since the first time. But I can't get anything out of the morning show producer. Nothing. Nada. No return phone calls, no return emails. So I asked one of our board members, who has a lot of local media connections, and he suggested that I email the station manager.

Well, I did. And I got a return email saying to email the community calendar info to so-and-so (a different person than the morning show producer, who also supposedly handles the community calendar) and that their community event interviews are limited to their noon news.

Well, that's just a bald-faced lie.

I've watched the morning show for years, and just that morning I had seen the morning show people interview a representative of the humane society about their fundraiser that they were putting on.

Does he think I'm stupid?!?

Geez. This HAS to be related to the negative email I sent them over a year ago. Man, these people can hold a serious GRUDGE!! I mean, grow up and act professional, people!!

So I called our board member back and explained the whole situation to him, and he said he would contact the station manager and see what the problem is. I told him to tell them that if they have a problem with me personally? Not to take it out on our organization, and that someone else can do the interview. I don't care about personally appearing; I just want the publicity for the organization.

Well, several days went by, and I never heard anything from our board member about whether or not he was able to talk to the station manager. Meanwhile, I get my panties in a wad this morning, because another organization was interviewing on the morning show (which "doesn't do interviews about community events on their morning show" remember) about a fundraiser they're having.

Which just burned my butt. And sometimes, I can really step in it when I'm pissed about something.

So, I made it to work today, not feeling all that great, and thinking about the prevarication the station manager made about not doing community events on the morning show and fuming about the other fundraiser that was on this morning, and I came across his email. And I had to do it. I had to let him know how I feel, and "beg" if you will, for the station to cut my organization a break and if they had a problem with me, to at least allow someone else to go on the show. I opened it with: "Dear Mr. So-and-So, I enjoyed the segment on your morning program about the fundraiser that whatever organization was putting on." (Starting out with a jab.) Then I went on to say that about not punishing my organization if there was a problem with me personally, blah blah blah.

I had no more than clicked "send" and the phone rang. I mean literally seconds. Guess who it was?!? No, not the station manager, but the producer of the morning show, cheerily inviting me to appear on the morning show next week.

That sound? Is me gagging on both feet that are firmly stuck in my mouth.

And THEN? I tried to recall the email. Twice. You used to be able to recall unread messages. Well, apparently not anymore. Damn computers are so fast these days!! And both times?? It left a little message on his computer each time saying that I'd tried to recall my email unsuccessfully. Then it pitched a message back to me saying he had read the message that said the first email was unsuccessfully recalled.

By then? I'm sure I've really blown it. Sometimes my timing absolutely sucks. I'm just sitting there all morning, with egg on my face and nothing I can do about it. So I figured I'd suck it up and sent him a quick email saying "Dear Mr. So and So, I got a phone call from your lovely morning producer and thank you for the invite to the morning show next week."

Oh lordy.

When I go to the studio Wednesday morning? They'll probably have my photo plastered all over the place, with strict instructions to DO NOT LET HER ON THE PREMISES!! SHE IS CONSIDERED TO BE STUPID AND DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE! And then they'll throw me bodily off the property, for being an idiot.

OMG I was so embarrased. I felt like such a dumbass. I wanted to crawl under the desk and wish a big hole in the ground would open up and swallow me. OMG I really put my foot in it now. I'll bet they take my email away from me now; I can't be trusted with it. Geesh.

And that wasn't the most embarrassing thing I did today. Apparently this was the day to embarass myself. And I did. Loudly!!

Here's what happened: At lunch time, when all I want to do is go home and crawl under the covers, my hubby called me and wanted to meet for lunch. So I thought, okay, maybe if I eat something I'll feel better. I mean, why not? Food, the great comforter. So we had a nice visit and ate some lunch together. I did start to feel better, even though I was still afraid to open my email.

When it was time to go, Bill left to return to work. I still had a few minutes on my lunch hour, and I decided to stop by the Dollar Store and find some sunglasses. Now that I have contacts, I needed some sunglasses, and I also wanted to get several pair of cheap reading glasses, so I can have a couple pairs at home and a couple pairs at work. I need two different reading glasses mind you -- one for computer work, and one for reading. So getting readers at the drug store gets expensive fast, because those are like $10 or $20 a pair.

So I'm at the Dollar Tree, and I'm standing at the rack pouring over the readers, because they're all out of order, and all of a sudden I realize I have to go #2. Not urgently, but I have to go. And I am NOT going to go to the bathroom at the Dollar Store, because OMG have you SEEN the kind of people that shop at the Dollar Store?!? Sometimes they're dirty, smelly people, worse than at WalMart. I know; I'm a snob. I can't help it. I mean, I'M in the Dollar Store, for crying out loud! But with the exception of me and maybe one other lady? Not so great. Welfare mamas and trailer trash come to mind.

But I digress.

Anyway, I'm standing there at the rack, and I realize that I don't have to go #2 now, as much as I have to fart. And gas passing over poop? Not so nice!! And you know how you can tell that there is NO WAY you're going to be able to hold that fart back, no matter how much you squeeze, no matter how much you pray, that fart is gonna come out. Loudly. So I'm standing there at the glasses rack, trying to act all nonchalant, knowing I am going to not only fart, but that it will be loud and it will be stinky. And there is way too much pressure to be able to calmly walk out the door, because you know if you move, it is gonna come out, and I would fart with every step. Because, well, that's just the kind of day I was having.

I realize at this point there is no way I can do anything about it. I can't move without farting, so I attempt to at least minimize the impact. Naturally, the rack is next to the checkout counters, so I move around the rack so I'm at least behind the rack, and I can at least hide there until the sound and smell are gone. Hopefully. But just as I'm reaching critical mass, a lady stops next to me and starts looking at the glasses. "NOoooooooooooooo!!" I say inside my head. "OMG NO PLEASE GO AWAY NOW."

I try to move away and that's when all hell breaks loose. Or breaks wind, anyway. I've been holding it back and it explodes, with a smell that would kill small children. And it's a big, fat juicy one, too. And there is absolutely no stopping it. After the first couple of explosions, this lady looked up at me sharply, and then ran off. I mean she RAN. Bolted.

I? Was dying. I could hear her over by the ladies in line, and I was beyond mortified. I didn't want to add insult to injury by making a commotion and leaving. I thought that if I just pretended like it wasn't me, that no one would know. Right? right. Like that line from Rocket Man, "It wasn't me-e-e-e-e!"

I just hid there behind the rack, pretending to look for glasses, until every single one of the ladies in line was gone. I must have been there 20 minutes.

When it was clear, I took my purchases and checked out. The clerk gave no indication that she knew the farter was me. I grabbed my bag and got the hell out of Dodge.

That's when I realized.

I still had my badge on from work.

I've never been so mortified in my entire. life.

Yeah. So that was my day.